Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
