genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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