someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Randomize
