Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
