I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
