I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
