I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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