smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
