I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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