I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
