I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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