The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
