Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
