im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
