I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
