Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize