remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've blown a few things in my day
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize