I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
