the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
