Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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