i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
