you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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