I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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