Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
