I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
