So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
