frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
