I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
