worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
