my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
