i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
