if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
