I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
