Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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