Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
