thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
