Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
