i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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