girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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