You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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