i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
