I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
