then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
