I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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