my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
try to milk me bitch
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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