The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize