I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
