the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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