I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
