If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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