Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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