Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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