Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
