I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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