I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
