OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
