Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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