I accidentally burped into my bong.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
