Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
