Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
