My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize