i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
