you guys were way drunker than both of me
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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