I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize