if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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