I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are a genius and a whore.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
