His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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