My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
